"Cry 'Havoc,' and let slip the dogs of war...."
-- Julius Caesar

"Life...is a tale...full of sound and fury...."
-- Macbeth

"No woman can be too rich or too thin."
-- Wallis Simpson

"Let them eat cake."
-- Somebody, but not Marie Antoinette

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

The Law and I

This is a photograph of me standing on Black's Law Dictionary and the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure. They are convenient boosters.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Another View of Foreign Relations That I Share With Sarah Palin

Another thing I share with Sarah Palin is a myopic view of the world brought about by not having ever been anywhere. For the record, Governor Palin has been to Canada, which she can see from her state, and Mexico, which she cannot see from her state. She has also been to Kuwait. Mommy flipped the globe over so I could see the Northern Hemisphere and then showed me that Kuwait is on the other side of the world from Alaska.

I, Poppy, can see the children of Mexican immigrants from my front door. I see them at the school. I hear them speaking Spanish. I have lived in two neighborhoods, and have been on the trip of a lifetime to Breckenridge. I often go to Commerce City, and have spent considerable time in Littleton.

In all, I am a sophisticated pug.

Sarah Palin's Reasoning is Just Like Mine

I, Poppy, would like to point out a habit of mind that I share with Sarah Palin, the Governor of Alaska and Republican Vice Presidential Nominee. (I also share a chromosome with her, but that doesn't really matter, as Gloria Steinem has pointed out). Fans! Sarah Palin thinks like a five year old pug!

As you will remember, part of my reasoning for endorsing Senator Obama is that he is taller than Senator McCain and therefore would be better protection if we were walking down the street together toward Vladimir Putin. And I am sure you remember that Governor Palin has said that her state's proximity to Russia is a cornerstone of her foreign relations experience.

Well, a few days ago when Katie Couric interviewed the Governor, she asked her why she thought such proximity was important to a person's foreign relations experience. Fans, Governor Palin answered as I would! She said that when Putin "rears his head" he goes to Alaska.

We are going to need some one very big to stand behind.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

I, Poppy, Announce My Endorsement for President of the United States

It has been a very exciting election year for me. The Democratic National Convention was in my town, and I got to take a walk and see what it was all about. The conventioneers on the street liked me a lot. The anarchists were particularly fond of me. I did not really like the anarchists, though. I, Poppy, am all about law and order. I like to lay down the law, and if there is no order, I get anxious. The anarchists tried to pet me, but I was aloof.

Such behavior is atypical for me. I usually love everybody. I was having a bad time picking a candidate to endorse, as I always go up to everybody and kiss them or ask for a pet. I was even thinking about endorsing both candidates and Ralph Nader, too, because I have so much love to pass around.

But I am a dog, a pack animal. The rule about dogs is very simple, and has been passed down to humans by dog experts, like the Dog Whisperer and the Monks of New Skete. That rule is that we are always looking for a leader. We will follow any leader who presents himself, but if there is none present, we fill the gap by taking over. Simple. The need for direction in a dog takes precedence over the natural love that a dog feels. In fact, the love a dog has to give grows out of the direction that the dog is given.

I have applied this pack leader rule to the two presidential candidates, for what is this election about other than finding a pack leader for the United States?

Fans, John McCain is not a United States pack leader. He wants to cancel the debate with Barack Obama. What sort of behavior is this? He backs down from a fight at a crucial time? What if he needed to talk to say, Vladimir Putin, who is very scary? The United States needs a pack leader that it can hide behind when the big Russian dog walks down the street. (Much like I do when my mommy takes me for a walk and I see a big dog coming my way -- I walk behind her). I was also offended by the Hockey Mom whom he picked to be his running mate. She compared herself to a pit bull, which is utterly wrong. Pit bulls are more gentle. They are also smarter and know more about campaign finance than she does. Plus, they know when lipstick does nothing for them.

So I turn to Barack Obama and see a pack leader who does not back down from a fight. He is very tall, so we can hide behind him when Vladimir the Russian Mastiff breaks out of his yard. I, Poppy, know about submitting to the alpha dog, but there is no reason the alpha dog has to be mean, like Vladimir Putin. He can be nice, like my brother Duncan. Barack Obama is that sort of alpha dog. And we need that, as the United States is way on its way to omega. I mean it. It takes one to know one. Plus, he has little girls who I whom I would very much like to take me for a walk and play with me.

This is what I would do. I would vote Obama for America.

Barking at the Place Where Something Recently Was But is No Longer

This post is a response to TeacherRefPoet, who requested an IRRAC analysis of a common and necessary dog behavior.

I (issue): Whether something that has been in one spot will require me barking at the spot that even after that something has left the original spot.

R (rule): A dog's territory is everything within her line of vision, smell, hearing, reasonable jumping ability, and the extent of her imagination.

R (rationale): Because a dog moves, so does a dog's territory. For example, when I ride in the car, I must bark at people and things on the side of the road, as they have wandered into my territory. Sometimes there is food in my mommy's brief case. Sometimes there isn't, but I dig in there to try to find some. I am imagining that the food is in the brief case, so it becomes mine to dig through. The top of the sofa is mine. I'm going to sit there, even if you are sitting just below.

A (analysis): First, squirrels are of no interest to me. They do not have treats, nor can I catch them and shake them. Often, I pretend they are not there. Therefore, they are not in my territory. Second, children are a strange animal. They scream a lot. I must bark at them for such a time as I imagine they are out of my territory, or I have forgotten them, whichever comes first. Finally, I never bark as the postal carrier leaves. That is because she brings treats. I bark and then sit to command her to give me a treat. She passes it through the bars on the security door. Treats are her ticket into my territory.

C (conclusion): By barking loudly and consistently at what human beings think is nothing, I am able to control my surroundings.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Rule of Living

I live a life governed by invisible, yet inescapable rules. They can be outlined and analyzed according to the traditional law school IRRAC format. I provide and example below.

I (issue): Children at the playground.

R (rule): If children are at the playground and I can a. see them, or b. hear them, or c. smell them. I must complain about them. Loudly. And I am a dog, which means that I am in charge of alerting the household to certain developments that I sense.

R (rationale): The household must be alerted to the clear and present proximity of the children to the house.

A (analysis): The children are across the street at the playground. Therefore, they are close to our house. It is my duty as a dog to warn the household of this proximity. So, I can complain about them in such a way that I also alert the household to their existence and closeness.

C (conclusion): Children are loud, smell funny, and move around a lot. It is necessary for me to tell everybody when I hear, see, or smell children on the playground.

The Fiction of Being in Charge

Today Mommy came home from studying. I do not like it when Mommy studies. She does not pay attention to me. When she studies, I like to go up to her garret and look out the window. I stand on the law dictionary. It boosts me up. That is how I feel about studying. And books. I do not like books.

So, Mommy came home and I was happy. I barked. I smiled. I looked at Mommy lovingly. She also brought food.

But Mommy left again. I didn't like this new development. She went out the door. She told me, "I'm just going to the car. See, you can watch me. I'm not really leaving."

I don't get this "I'm not really leaving" idea. So I barked with urgency. "Don't leave! Don't Leave! Don't leave!" My voice is very shrill when I bark with urgency.

But Mommy left. I watched her go down the stairs. Duncan watched her, too. I scolded her as she walked down the stairs. "Bad Mommy!" My voice is rather imperious when I scold some one.

But Mommy did not pay attention. So I turned around. I trotted back into the house and I scolded Daddy, because, with Mommy gone, who else is left to scold?