"Cry 'Havoc,' and let slip the dogs of war...."
-- Julius Caesar

"Life...is a tale...full of sound and fury...."
-- Macbeth

"No woman can be too rich or too thin."
-- Wallis Simpson

"Let them eat cake."
-- Somebody, but not Marie Antoinette

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Personal Trainer

I, Poppy, want to be your personal trainer. It is true that I do not have a model's body, but I do a perfect Downward Dog and my core is strong from years of what Pilates teaching pioneer Ron Fletcher calls "percussive breathing."

You will benefit from my demonstrations of my aforementioned perfect Downward Dog (Upward Dog is also one of my specialties) and from my love-centered training methods.

Some examples:

Doga: When I do Downward Dog, I always place my front paws correctly, so that the qi flows freely in the correct direction and does not get stuck somewhere around the shoulders, as it does in so many humans.

Love-Centered Training Method for Stretching: I will love you so much when you are lying on the floor, stretching. I will kiss you with vigor all over your face then and when you are practicing Headstand.

Love-Centered Training Method for Pilates: When you are lying on your back on the Reformer doing your warm up, I will jump onto your tummy to make sure that you are holding your abdominal muscles correctly. I will try to kiss you then, too.

Love-Centered Cool-Down: When you finish your cardio session I will be waiting right there to kiss your calves with both conviction and compulsion.

My complete attention to you will never end until your skin ceases to secrete salt.

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